The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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