Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
