I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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