please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
