i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
