hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize