Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
