Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
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