I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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