sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
