mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
