youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
