I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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