why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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