the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
