She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
