wanna go halves on a baby?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
