waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
