glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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