Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Be still, my beating vagina.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
