So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
