Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
