I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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