I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize