winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
