Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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