can we get nightvision for the apartment?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
