She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
