I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
