Pregnant stripper...not hot.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize