If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize