everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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