i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
