yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
His hands were made for my vagina.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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