Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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