I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
