just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
