i already hear my dad disowning me
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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