your parents love me but you hate me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
be right there i have to get my cape
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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