When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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