The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
