and you said cock pushups were impossible
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
