lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
