my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
