I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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