I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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