nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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