woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
