he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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