Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
