I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
