Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
