My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
