my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
