while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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