we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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