I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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