The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
