I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
