In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
