I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
