Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
