The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
