sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Four minutes until I can fart!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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