Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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