Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize