i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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