just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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